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Gerbil Exercise Balls

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Cavi in full battle armor
Beware - small but ferocious

Categories: Humor and sarcasm

Word count/read time: 526 words; 2 minutes

In the USA alone, people spend billions of dollars on their pets each year...and that's just clothing! Someone even made scale maille battle armor for their guinea pig and sold it for a hefty price, the proceeds going to charity. Funny, many animals we call pets in this country are food in another, or meals for other pets.

Regarding small rodents, there is a device to give some cage-free time to these pint-sized oxygen burners. Everyone is familiar with the running wheel, watching those critters spin it like a washing machine. Enter the gerbil sphere. It's like the wheel but it isn't for inside the cage. It's unlike the wheel because it is a ball and can go any direction the occupant desires.

What a novel idea. Until I thought about it for a moment and my mind began wandering. A wandering mind can be dangerous and twisted.

So here's this gerbil running at top speed through the house. Small rodents shit a lot. They shit a lot! Without anything but instinct running through their pea-sized brains, they ain't potty trained. As they run, shit must be flying in every direction, propelled by the centripetal force of the sphere. The bigger the rodent, the quicker they run, the more shitballs flying everywhere, faster, and further away.

No need to worry about losing them - just Hansel-and-Gretel the poop trail. What happens when they pee? It must be like a urine powerwasher gone amok, splattering everywhere. How's that carpet? Those nice cork or wooden floors? The furniture? Even if it doesn't go flying everywhere, there's a marinated and shit-peened rodent to deal with.

Poop is flammable (eventually). Is there a fire hazard if open flames or smoldering cinders are nearby? Does their diet influence how flammable their poo is? What colors the flames are, like adding sodium or barium salts to fireworks to get nifty colors? Beware of the drive-by shittings!

Now it's about more than the mess. There are meteor fecal footballs flying everywhere! When the cage catches fire, it's a panicked rodent doing Mach 3 to get away from itself. These shit-sphere shuffling super rodents turn into fireball tumbleweeds. Say goodbye to the house.

I've never heard a rodent fart before, never done gas diffusion to find out the constituent gases, but they can't be much different than humans. Highly flammable, no doubt. Light some incense to cover up the nasty smell and unbeknownst to you there's a flamethrowing cavi taking aim at the family dog. Or maybe they explode in a heap of entrails, who knows!

Maybe they could put a herd (gaggle, pride, whatever) on the ninja TV show and have the contestants go through a labyrinth, their score directly tied to how few burns and injuries they get. It wouldn't be gerbils, hamsters, or guineas running patrol - they could be drop kicked like yesterday's bad soccer game. Enter the king of rodents, the 140lb capybaras. To add a little zest gladiator-style, they'd be inside spiked and razor-blade studded spheres. Flaming scat would be the least of the worries. It's armageddon revisited. Pay homage to the Princess Bride. Lemmiwinks would be proud.

Posted by M: February 29, 2020

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