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That's a World Record?!
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Categories: Humor and sarcasm; Human nature

Word count/read time: 451 words; 2 minutes

To keep up with modern times, world records are routinely retired with new ones replacing them. Even if you could do something better, too bad if it's been shelved. I was bummed to discover that the longest musical note category was retired - I might stand a chance at this one. Everyone thought it was Kenny G until someone broke his record only to find out that some guy bested their time nearly two decades prior.

It's all about context. Apparently. There was a time when a world record stood on its own just because it was a world record. The record book of the past is like comparing fake news to real news, or social media to actual healthy relationships. Stupid records are coming out of the woodwork.

Is there really a record for the largest belly button lint ball? Yes, but it's kinda like saying curling is a sport just because it's in the Olympics. There are some unusual ones here but by no means the weirdest.

You can essentially create a new category and pay a fee to have it certified or recognized and you have the first world record. Be creative - there's no shame no matter how stupid it is or how desperate you are. Money makes the records go 'round. Come up with something they like and you own it! Or just pay them enough if they don't like it, I guess.

Is there really a record for the largest belly button lint ball?
Maybe most aren't into pogo-sticking but a display of athleticism on one is something we can admire. So I am going to inquire about a world record just for me. I will attempt to set the first world record - wouldn't it be sad if I didn't get the record - for eating the most pieces of store-bought pizza on a cloudy Tuesday while hopping on a purple stick one-handed somewhere north of the 45deg latitude. Because someone else has a similar record that is unbeatable, but he used restaurant pizza.

There is some confusion over what is a record and what is a fact. A similar confusion arises trying to classify golf, darts, spelling bees, curling, and eating competitions. Skills? Hobbies? Endeavors? They are games except for foodies, who can just pile it down. The participants don't have to be athletes. We have world records for most hotdogs eaten while half the world goes hungry every night...and then we barf it all up afterwards. Only in a first-world country!

And yes, there is a world record for someone who holds the most world records. Maybe my calling is creating a world record for the person who attempts to break the most world records. That should be an easy win. Expensive, but easy.

Posted by M: November 25, 2021

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