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My New Phone

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Categories: Humor and sarcasm; Experiences and daily life

Word count/read time: 497 words; 2 minutes

My last phone was before the AI revolution. No revolutionary improvements or ground-breaking advancements except it wants to do everything for you. Getting my new one took five attempts, three phone purchases, two returned phones, six canceled plans (talk about inept!), and two new numbers. It should have been done correctly initially without 15 hours of booming lies. Verizon cemented their incompetence and deplorable customer service unapologetically. How do they stay afloat?

I spent a day dis-abling, dis-installing, and dis-allowing most apps and permissions...dis new phone generation sucks! I have a better idea: Let me decide what to install. Killed all location services and AI functions. Privacy, you know?

Even when shut off, apps still collect data and send notifications (not disabled after all, huh Captain Obvious). Alert: You've used your phone three minutes more this week. Alert: Your butt itches. Alert: You have an alert. Things I couldn't have ever imagined are bombarding me. STFU already!

Marketed as devices to improve lives, they are insidious, horrifying data hoovers whoring themselves to anyone willing to pay without compensating people for their data. Isn't that what all businesses do? Personalized ads? Why would I want any! For that matter, piss off unless the world is ending.

I entered an errant 'Z' in an internet search word. My phone then switched entirely to Spanish. I set it up as English, never entered a Spanish word, viewed a Spanish website, asked for a Spanish translation, or visited any Spanish-speaking countries. It somehow thought it knew better. Seriously?! I had to reset it.

Daily steps, sleeping habits, internet and GPS tracking, integrate with smart devices, app usage metrics...how much more? Those who don't want this level of Big Brother are SOL because the new norm is being a phone zombie junkie. Accept it or go stone age.

A dumb smart phone is fine as long as it has a data plan. Processing payments remotely is a necessity. Internet use is so minimal as to be laughable. The alarm is helpful. Texting is a PITA but I acquiesced since everyone else uses it as their preferred communication.

For me, a camera is more utilitarian than a novelty or entertainment gadget. The rep told me that one client's phone migration took seven hours due to 15,000+ videos and pictures. Am I behind the times since my paltry handful was done in a handshake?

One thing is certain: I will never buy another piece of shit otterbox product. My two deformed cases say they don't honor their warranty. I bet they're patting themselves on the back, like they averted nuclear armageddon.

I'm not knocking being "connected" as I'm online at least the full workday. Most people's phones are glued to their eyes so enabling this addictive behavior is unfortunate but understandably technology's natural evolution. Many would writhe in mental agony without them. If it made us better then great, but it has done the polar opposite. So much for self-control and mental wherewithal.

Posted by M: March 3, 2026

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